F*ckboy lessons

I recently had a not so great experience with a man… or rather man-child. I say man-child because there is no way I can call him a man when he behaves the way he has. We weren’t an item for very long; I always felt as thought I came second to everything. I was always the last resort. I wanted to make plans with him for a certain day, but he had to wait and see “what was good” that day before he decided if he wanted to see me. It would seem as thought he just was not very into me, but he would go on and on about how much he liked me, and the weird thing was that I could see it in his eyes. I could tell he was telling the truth. We didn’t have much in common, we never really did much, the sex was mediocre at best (I don’t know if you can call him laying there doing nothing and barely even touching you mediocre, but whatever), there were more issues than non-issues. So why did I even stick around as long as I did, why didn’t I end it with him (he ended things with me).

I wrote a blog post once about the guy I was hanging around in Toronto. Aka. The best first kiss… like ever. I really wasn’t expecting to find that ever again. But I did. With FB (short for f*ckboy). God. The way he kissed. The way I felt when he kissed me. I just felt so important to someone. It was chemistry that I didn’t think I was going to ever find again, and because I had, I didn’t want to let it go. I was desperate to keep it that I was ignoring all of the things that weren’t right. I’m glad that despite being a f*ckboy, FB had the sense to realize we were wrong for each other and wasn’t blinded by the chemistry he also felt.

We were seeing each other for around 2 months. He treated me very poorly when he ended things; would follow and unfollow me on Instagram, block me and unblock me, friend and unfriend me on Facebook. It gave me bad anxiety, I didn’t eat for days because I was so nauseous from not knowing what was going on. Eventually, he turned around and apologized for treating me so poorly. Doesn’t make him any less of a f*ckboy though. A month had passed since things ended and for whatever reason, I still kept feeling like was not over him. We spent time together after things had cooled down between us,a couple months after things ended, and both times we ended up fooling around. He would tell me how much he liked me and I could tell he meant it. It was in his eyes; I could see how much felt for me when I looked at him.

And then it dawned on me that it’s not that I wasn’t over him. I know he and I would not be a good match for the rest of our lives, I accepted that. It’s not that I missed HIM. I was just not over IT. I missed IT. I missed the good times we shared because when things were good, they were really good. I missed the feelings I had when he held me close and when he made me laugh. I missed the feeling I got when he gave me a card which inside described why he liked me so much. I missed the first month of being together when he actually tried, he actually cared. When he wasn’t afraid of his feelings for me; when he embraced them and just let everything go with the flow.

Then I got to thinking, how often has it been that when I was missing someone, I wasn’t actually missing them?

I’m pretty sure that 80% of the time we think we miss an ex bf, we don’t actually miss them. We just miss… well.. we miss someone. Anyone. Anyone that can make us feel loved and important, even if it’s just for a second. We don’t miss a person. We miss being in love, or being “in like”. We miss the potential of what someone could be. I got glimpses of who FB could be, and I really, really liked that guy. I liked this potential person that FB could be if he stopped wanting to be a f*ckboy. But, that wasn’t him, and it probably never will be.

Sometimes when things end with a significant other, a week or two pass, and some “I miss you”‘s get thrown around. I’m guilty of mistaking missing something for missing someone, but now I have started to stop and really think about it. With this most recent situation, I did want to let him know how I was feeling when things first had ended, but I had actually thought about it, and instead of saying, “I miss you”, the message that was sent was, “I miss it”. I miss it, as in I miss the good times that we shared, I miss feeling cared about in that way. I miss the way he treated me before he turned into someone that he’s pretending to be, FB was trying to portray an image of being a f*ckboy. Don’t even try to wrap your head around that.

Do I miss him…. honestly no. He’s still in my life as we are trying to be “friends”, and he still acts the same way, so no, I don’t miss him. He’s already around, and I get constant reminders of why we are NOT a good match for each other. I was willing to try it out, one last time, even thought he had f*cked me over already, but he said he just couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to be with anyone for a long time, and I decided it was time to move on.  Since then, he has done what he does best… behave like a f*ckboy…. He unfollowed me on Instagram…again, and we aren’t Facebook friends. He needs to grow up, and my guess is that he is still mistaking missing IT for missing ME.

But good. He should miss it. He should miss me. He missed out, and he knows it.

Too late hun. I don’t f*ck with f*ckboys.




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