When I tell people that I don’t miss you or that I am over it, I’m just trying to convince, not only them, but myself, that it’s true. I don’t know how to not be constantly reminded of you. Those songs we loved, those places we went together, that spot downtown where that crazy man told us we made a lovely couple, that restaurant where you couldn’t stop telling me you loved me. You are everywhere.
The concerts I go to, the streets I walk, the people I meet, the food I eat, the coffee and wine that I drink. You are still here.
I don’t know how to remove you from here. I thought I did. For a while you weren’t every other thought that I had, but lately, you’re back. I don’t know why.
You forced me away. Forced me out of you life. You hurt me, over and over. You used me whenever it was convenient for you.
But, when you loved me… god… did you ever love me.
Did you ever really love me?
I wish I knew the answer to that. Some days I feel like no, you didn’t and I move on with my day. But then I lay in bed… and I remember you telling me that you would love to spend the rest of your life doing that with me. Laying next to me. Waking up, with me next to you. And in those moments, f*ck, I loved you.
I’m trying to fill the void that was once filled by you. I know I won`t be able to fill it with someone else, because I`ve tried that. No one comes close to replacing what you took when you left. A part of me still feels like it`s not really what you wanted. It`s just what you thought was right. It`s what you thought was best for me. Like you thought you were dragging me down with you and you wanted me to be free from your grasp. But, I want to hate you. It`s easier for me to hate you.
Maybe I give you too much credit, after everything, a part of me still thinks so highly of you, and maybe you don`t deserve that. Maybe you really just didn`t care about me anymore. But I knew you, or at least I thought I did. I would hope, after almost seven years that I would know you. You aren`t the man you were this past year.
I received a phone call from an Edmonton phone number while I was at work, they left a message. I think my heart nearly jumped out of my throat. A part of me hoping that it was you, but it wasn`t. It`s never going to be your number that calls my phone, and I don`t know why a part of me was hoping that it was. I guess I`m still hoping that you will realize that you made a mistake, and realize that you still love me the way you loved me during the days when you would look into my eyes and tell me so.
It`s hard for me to understand why I can`t let you go. If I understood why, then I think I would have let go of you by now. I grew with you, you helped me discover things about myself that I don`t know I would have every discovered without you. You did so much good, it seems in my heart, that good still outweighs the bad.
I`ve been thinking of writing you a letter, but I don`t want to make a bigger fool out of myself than I feel I am already, so I haven`t.
I know it`s me and only me that keeps myself from moving on. You don`t do anything besides live your life. It`s easier to blame my love problems on what happened with you, but I only have myself to blame now. I`m the one who is letting you control me even though you aren`t in my life anymore.
I just don`t know how to free myself of the memories of you that I hold on to.
I miss the way you made me feel.
I just…I miss the way I used to love.
Hopefully in time, the memories of you fades away. Hopefully in time, it will get harder and harder to remember the way you looked at me, the way you smelt, the way you laughed, the way your lips tasted, the words you spoke, the way your voice sounded.
Hopefully the periods of time when I go without thinking of you will get longer and longer, until when I do think of you, the feeling I get is a neutral feeling. I look forward to that day. I don`t know how long it will take.
Only time will tell.