And just like that it was over. Done.
6 years spent thinking about him. Some of that time spent loving him, some of it hating him, all of it spent caring about him and thinking so highly of him.
SKG and I started off just like any other pre-teen romance; slowly getting to know each other, but with him, it was different. With him it felt like I had always known him and him, me.
Two years ago SKG came to visit me in Ottawa for a week. It was a week filled with such passionate feelings. I loved him. He loved me. The Fall of that year, I went to Alberta to visit him (I wrote about this trip in a previous post).
Since then, I had been feeling on and off about him. I thought about him often. Most of these thoughts were thoughts of missing him. Missing how we used to talk for hours and how he used to make me feel. Missing my soulmate. Missing this sweet, caring, attractive man who treated me well. Hoping we could figure things out between us and be together, or at least try.
I broke up with the man I was dating about two months ago and decided it was now or never. I needed to figure things out with SKG or how else was I ever going to have a proper relationship. He was always the reason I never put my full self into relationships. He has a hold on my heart.
I needed him, or I needed closure.
He had turned from someone who had always answered my calls, into someone who never did. So, much to my surprise, he answered his phone the last time I called him. We decided it was best to start to figure us out, figure out if we could really be together, and soon after that I decided I would go out there to visit him. I wanted to see how I felt when we were together, and if those feelings were the same as they had been when we had spent that week together in Ottawa.
I have a friend who moved to Alberta less than a year ago, so I invited my friend L and we decided we would meet up with C and her new boyfriend in Edmonton. I would also get to spend a bit of time with SKG. We had yet to book our trip, and all of the sudden SKG was not replying to my texts. The last text I sent him was when I was having a bad day. I was feeling that maybe my break up with my ex was a mistake, but I couldn’t get SKG off of my mind until we figured things out, so even though I was confused, I still wanted him. After that. Nothing. The last text I ever got from him said something like, “why what’s up?” in regards to me asking if maybe he would want to Skype that week. Little did I know this would be the last text I would EVER receive from that telephone number.
As the weeks passed, I became more and more confused. I started apologizing, but why was I apologizing? I had done nothing wrong, yet I felt the need to have him forgive me. I just wanted him to say something. Anything. I texted him saying we were still coming to Edmonton to see C.
It became time to book our trip, so we did.
I knew where SKG worked, so I decided I would confront him at his work since I needed something to be said. We did our thing in Alberta, had some adventures, and then the day arrived that I had been thinking about ever since I called the restaurant that he works at.
Here is essentially how the evening played out.
“L, just fyi, I’m going to need to have some alcohol before this,” I say as a knot builds in my stomach.
I put on the dress that I had picked out in advance, and go over what I’m going to say.
Maybe I’ll play it cool like nothing is wrong.
2 minutes later
No, f*ck this guy. I’m going to just go to the bar and confront him.
30 seconds later
No no… I should watch him from a distance first. See how he acts. Let him approach me.
10 seconds later
Ugh whatever f*ck. I’m doing it live.
I start chugging my wine through a straw because that’s just how I roll.
Time to go.
After watching our Uber driver get lost about 14 times and turn around 6, he finally arrives, and takes us to the restaurant.
We walk in and I see him. He looks okay. He needs to shave, but he still looks good.
I feel like I’m going to be sick. (How I felt then, and how I feel now that I’m reliving the whole thing in my head)
The hostess tells us to sit wherever, and I’m not even looking at where L is going. I’ve got my eyes locked on him. He looks my way and then does a double take. I lose all my cool and give him a dirty look and smirk.
F*ck this guy.
We sit down and I wait a bit. I watch him. Running around making drinks, cleaning glasses.
I walk over.
We make small talk about my trip and such, and then I walk away and order some fries. Not that I’m even hungry at this time. I ate like 1o of them.
I walk back over to him. We make eye contact and I say, “So…. is there anything you want to say to me.”
And there it was. What I was fearing for so long, worded in the douchiest way possible.
He took a deep breath.
“I thought that the silence was self explanatory, but I think we have more to offer each other by not being in each others lives.”
I put my head back trying not to let the tears leave my eyes.
I put my head down, and as a few tears streamed down my face, I looked at him, “You are not a good person. I want you to know that.”
And I meant that. He had become so selfish and insensitive. Careless. He was not the same man that I had fallen in love with. He was not a good person, especially not to me. He was planning on just never speaking to me again. After every thing we had done for each other. After every thing I had done for him.
I walked back to my table for a moment, but then I went back. I told him I am glad he told me, but I wish he had told me before we agreed to figure us out. He agreed. I then told him that I hope he made the right decision, and he replied saying that he thinks he did. I told him he didn’t. I concluded the conversation by wishing him well with the rest of his life, telling him he will never have to hear from me or see me again.
“I hope you become a better person.”
Those were my last words before I walked away.
I turned to look at him one last time before we stepped outside, and tears welled up in my eyes. He went back to work.
No hug. No last kiss. That was it. Just like that. I’ll never see his smile again. Never hear his voice. Never hear him say my name. Never hear his laugh. Never stand next to him. Never hold his hand. Never feel his skin against my skin. Never hear his heart beat.
I took my last glance and left. That was the closure I guess.
You might think that in that moment, the words he said broke my heart. However, they didn’t. He had already broken my heart so many times before that.
He couldn’t break it any more even if he wanted to.
It’s scary how things can do a 180 in such a small fraction of time. How quickly someone can change their mind. No matter how much you have done for them, or how much you love them, or even how much they may have loved you.
In this case, people change. We both changed. I was just hoping that underneath it all, he would be the person that stole my heart and held it so tightly.
And now my heart is free.
I’m finally free to love again.
Ps. Hey douche bag, if you ever read this, you will never find someone who will treat you as well as I did and would have. You will never find someone who will love you and appreciate you as much as I could have. However, thank you. Thank you for giving me the chance to find somebody better than you because I will.