Searching for a Mutual Admiration

I didn’t expect to feel what I felt. It caught me very off guard.

It was like that overwhelming need to be close to a certain person. Physically, emotionally, mentally, everything. The person knows how to touch your heart, how to touch your soul. These kind of people are beautiful people, and TheatreKid is one of these people to me. Even if we ever stop communicating, I will always remember him, and the way he brightened my soul.

It really took me by surprise. I don’t know how he did it, but he helped me to truly feel again.

After having my heart pulled around and broken repeatedly by the same person for about six years, I hadn’t been able to open my heart and soul to someone, I wasn’t really feeling anything. Everything I felt for people seemed mediocre compared to what a felt for my 6 year past.

I wrote a post about the first time TheatreKid and I kissed, and I think that is when I knew it was different. Kissing is nice, and sometimes you get butterflies, but this was something else. I barely even knew him, but it felt like I did. Any time he was around, I didn’t want him to leave. I could have let him hold me forever (if you know me at all, you should know that I often dislike cuddling for an extended period of time, and usually want guys to leave after a certain period of time). I’ve also mentioned in a previous post that when the guy who broke me used to look at me, I could feel him really seeing me. Not just looking at me, but seeing all of me. I didn’t think I would feel that way again really, but when TheatreKid looked at me, I couldn’t help but feel him touch my heart.

I acted differently towards him that I usually would, I was in a total admiration of him. As I said before, he is a beautiful person. Inside and out.

Sometimes when I think about it, I realize how stupid and dramatic it seems. I didn’t spend that much time with him. How could he make me feel so much. At first, I thought maybe it was because he felt something for me.

At one point I decided I would bring up my confusing feelings to him, I didn’t know if what I felt was a desire to be with him as more than friends, or just liking him as more than a friend. I had no idea what it was. He told me that he had just been “playing friends” the whole time. He had come out of a serious relationship and had a rough break up a couple months earlier, so I did understand that he was not interested in anything more than friends.

Since then, I’ve become increasingly frustrated with myself and these feelings. How is it that someone who feels nothing for me can make me feel so special and so wanted, yet anyone who has claimed that they want to be with me, doesn’t allow me to feel important to them. And, how could what I feel be so one-sided? Maybe his broken heart was just unable to feel what I felt.

He didn’t make me fall in love with him.

He just allowed me to feel.

If he didn’t feel anything for me, then that is okay. He is one hell of an actor if that is truly the case. He is someone I’m sure I could have grown to love which is a rare thought for me. It is unfortunate to have felt something and have someone else not feel it for you also. I won’t lie, it has upset me, but at the same time, I am so thankful.

I had given up on feeling what my heart breaker had allowed me to feel for so long, and then took away. I have been looking and looking to feel that way again, but I accepted that maybe I wouldn’t ever feel it like I did.

TheatreKid has allowed me to see that I can feel that way again, and that I will again.

I look forward to when I feel that way again, and hopefully the next time it will be with someone who is able to feel for me what I feel for them.

A mutual admiration.

-H

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