I’ve been back in Ottawa for over a week now, and I’m actually missing Toronto a little bit. It is nice to be around my friends, and family, but I miss the city. If it was possible to convince all of my friends to move to Toronto, it would be amazing.
However, being back has resulted in some annoying anxiety. I may have developed a minor case of “the feels” for TheatreKid. Not to the point where I would want to date him right this minute or anything, but what isn’t to like? He is very handsome, the sweetest guy, funny, and sincere, among other things ;). I’m attracted to him, and I like being around him, so there is something a little more there for me that purely friends. However, he is, I’m trying to be gentle about it but, emotionally damaged. We are friends obviously, but I see the potential in him is what I am getting at.
So, this has resulted in wondering if he has moved on to doing the same things he did with me, with someone else. I know it is going to happen eventually, but I can’t stand not knowing when. It makes me almost mental. If I knew that he had done something else already, I think that would be better for me as it would be a momentary hurt, rather than this anxiety that drags on along with assumptions and not knowing.
What is it about the unknown that bothers people like me so much?
No friggin clue. Maybe it’s a lack of control over a situation, over your emotions, and what you think you should feel.
Everyone struggles at some point with not being informed about something, but when it comes to me, men, and not knowing, it’s like I turn into some secret, anxiety ridden monster. I start to get worried, like am I talking to him too much? Am I talking differently? Is he annoyed with me? He’s probably annoyed with me. No, things seem fine. Oh, no. He probably hates me. He’s probably with another girl right now. Ugh. And then I go and try to make myself feel better. Usually by talking it out with my girl friends, or my trusty and honest guy friends.
I momentarily accept that I’m probably right (he probably is with someone else and finds me annoying) and maybe I should just stop talking to the person, buuuut I don’t. Of course I don’t. Some people probably have this issue worse than I do. You start making these “jokes”, but you are actually trying to get information out of them. Like they say they have plans that night and you reply with, “oooooh, you got a hot date?” Thinking that the guy will think you are just being friendly, you’re not. You just want to know, for your own selfish reasons. I wonder if guys notice that we do this… hmmm.
For me however, using those jokes only settles my anxiety momentarily. Then one day, I build myself up enough to just ask. As I did today with TheatreKid. I just straight up asked if he has moved on to someone else already. A guy could lie or be a dick about it, but of course he wasn’t. He told me he hadn’t, and so I continued to explain my weirdness.
People may find it strange to want to know when an ex-partner moves on, but I would much rather prefer that. I honestly do not know of many people who get the same way as I do when it comes to men. I know people that have way worse anxiety than I do, but it is usually related to school, work, or social interactions in general, not purely relationships with men. It’s an unfortunate feeling, but I think I choose wisely when it comes to the men I interact with. They all seem to be very understanding, open, and willing to tell me what I want to know.
Or, maybe they are just a bunch of liars telling me what they think I want to hear.
Either way, it makes me feel a hell of a lot better “knowing” instead of guessing. And, at least I am able to, mostly, tolerate my versions of anxiety and worry.
Those annoying biatches.