For the past year I had become so attached to this idea of what I saw my life as. I thought I had it figured out; I could see what my future looked like. I was willing to wait as long as it took to have this ideal future I had seen in my mind. So many people don’t know what they want, but I knew. Or.. I thought I knew, until someone ripped that idea from my head. I saw them as part of my life, and at first, they claimed to see me in the same part of their future, but that wasn’t the case. People change their minds sometimes, and I guess he changed his.
In order for me to move past this, I had to accept that the future I had in my mind, was 99% not the one I am going to get. Picturing a life without him in the role I had placed him was something I had never tried to do, and it was hard. There was a void in my heart that he once filled. The day he took back the feelings of love he had once felt for me, was the day he chose to take that part of my heart with him. This void was a painful one.
I’ve talked, in a previous post, about the way I would jump from guy to guy, and how I found it hard to commit. I wasn’t willing to really try to stick it out with a guy. I would give up, and end things in about a month. I said I didn’t really know why I kept sabotaging any potential relationship.
Well, this is the main reason why.
I did the terrible, selfish thing of trying to fill a void left by one person, with another person. I was trying to force pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, that is to be my heart, into a space that they didn’t fit into. When I realized that one piece wouldn’t fit, I did what people do when they are trying to quickly solve a puzzle. I would rapidly grab another piece to try.
I did this without even really noticing I was doing it. If I’m blunt about it. I was using people. And, as I mentioned in the earlier post, I was setting them up to fail. I presented them with unattainable standards that they needed to meet in order for me to want to keep them around. These unattainable standards were basically that they had to be exactly like the guy who broke my heart. If they didn’t fit into my jigsaw puzzle where I wanted them to, in this void, they were out.
What I didn’t realize at the time, was that these people didn’t belong where I was trying to force them, but they fit into a different part of my jigsaw puzzle heart. They will be a part of my heart because I do care about these amazing men. They just weren’t the person who I could love the way everybody deserves to be loved.
I saw a quote today while scrolling through Instagram. It was a quote that actually compelled me to write this. It read..
“I’m so sorry to all the people I hurt while I was hurting.”
I think I have apologized to all of them, but I never really explained exactly why I was sorry because I didn’t fully understand why. These men were amazing and kind people. I was not. What I did was wrong. You can’t use another person to replace someone you have lost, or rather, in my case, made the choice to leave.
People always explain that you need to heal yourself, and that no body else can do that except for you. You need to improve yourself; you need to put in the effort to become a better you. When you bring other people into your life to try to fix your hurt, it’s just like covering up a problem. But, when you pull the cover off, the problem is still there. And I’ve heard people say things like, “you will have to deal with it eventually.” I’ve said things like that to people. So, I knew that I’d have to meet my hurt and my issues head on, yet I still did what so many of us do. I went for the easiest temporary fix. You want the hurt to go away as quickly as possible, so you grab a hold of anything that makes it a bit better.
You can say as you read this, “I don’t do that”, “I won’t do that”, “I know better”. We all like to think we know better. You may not have done it yet, but you will. Trust me, you will. This is not me trying to tell you, once again, what everyone else has ever told you about no one being able to fix you except you. However, it is true. I know you won’t really take in what I’m telling you. You will go and do a variation of the things that I did. You will hurt people because you, yourself are hurting. However, what everyone needs to know, and what I want you to know, is that when you get to the point where you are doing what I did, you may think that you cannot fix yourself. You can. When you can’t find a puzzle piece to fit that space in your jigsaw puzzle. You go and find a piece of cardboard or something, and you cut out a shape that fits in that space. And then, it was all you, you went outside of that puzzle and solved the issue yourself.
The best part of it all, is that when you make your own puzzle piece, that is made of who you are, and it fits perfectly into that void that was left, you will feel like you again.
Maybe you will have to make your own pieces to the puzzle many, many times, but you will get there. You will be down to that last, most special space that someone will fill. Their puzzle piece might be right in front of you on the table where you work on your puzzle, it might be underneath the table, or it might be in the dusty corner of your room. Maybe, just maybe, the piece that you lost, or that chose to get lost, will come back as a reshaped piece to fit the last spot, but any which way it happens, you will find that last piece. I still have yet to find it, but I know I will too.
Eventually, you will have the most beautiful and full jigsaw puzzle of a heart. It wont matter how many pieces you had to make yourself. Those pieces will be a reminder of the hurt that you’ve overcome, of how strong you are, and it will be beautiful.
It will be beautiful because it is yours.