Match.com, Plenty of Fish, eHarmony…. and the “dating” app most popular with my generation right now… Tinder. Oh Tinder, what a reputation you have. I put dating in quotations because most of us who know Tinder, know it as the hook-up app. Trying to get over one of my recent failed relationship attempts, I decided to give it a go for the second time in my life. Within a couple days of my having Tinder, and the day I started talking to him, we went out for the first time. We will call him The Figure Skater, since he used to be a competitive figure skater, it is fitting. We had a great first date and it has now been about two months since we first met. About a month ago we decided to be seeing each other exclusively, but this post isn’t focused around my relationship or friendship or whatever the hell you call it with him, it is essentially for me to try to come to terms with what the heck my problem is when it comes to being with someone. I have had one serious relationship in my life, if one can really call it that. It lasted two years and ended the year I went to university. Since then, I haven’t been serious with anyone, but I think that is because I don’t let myself get to that point. At least not up until my current “relationship” with The Figure Skater. Not saying that I am at the point where I want to be serious, but I am open do it. Now, I’ll explain to you every potential relationship I’ve had in between my “serious relationship” and The Figure Skater.
- I meet a guy
- We start talking
- I realize I like him as more than a friend, they like me also
- We become physical
- We “see each other” for a maximum of 3 months
- I decide to end it
Seems pretty standard right? Yea. Except why did I chose to end things with all of these people? When I realized I liked them as more than a friend, at that same time I decide that they weren’t someone that I ever wanted to be serious with. How do I know that!? I didn’t. I don’t. I realized how stupid this was after the first few times that it happened, but I continued to do it. Why? I have absolutely no idea. I’m starting something with someone and setting it up for failure. People would say that this means that I just don’t want to be in a relationship, but the thing is, I like to idea of having a relationship with somebody. All of these guys were amazing guys, and I am actually friends with the majority of these people now. I had been so confused as to what the eff I was doing up until The Figure Skater, but I think I’ve got it. I’m scared. I’m scared of the guy realizing that he doesn’t like me anymore, or of leaving me for someone else, that I do not even give the guy the chance to prove me wrong. This time around I’m more open to having a relationship, but it is getting to the point where I am starting to get worried. I was doing so well, and it is like I am convincing myself now that he is losing interest. Maybe he is, maybe it’s all in my head. A new irrational fear develops. What if he’s playing me? What if I’m finally opening up and hes playing me?! I immediately feel sick to my stomach and feel like I just want to cry. I even think about ending it. No! I am not doing that again. I have to suck it up. If he plays me and screws me over, then I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. It’s time for me to go with the flow and let things happen as they may. If I never did anything that made me scared, where would I be? Living a pretty dull and depressing life is where I would be. It’s time for me to be vulnerable. It’s time for me to let myself be happy.