Why was I on a flight from Ottawa to Edmonton on October 2nd where I met the 26 year old father with tattoos?
Well… SKG is what we will call him. He is why I flew to Edmonton for a weekend. My friend for about 6 years, my best friend for a few of those recent years and to this day, my lover for some of that time, and possibly my soul mate in a non-romantic sense. It is a hard relationship to describe to any new comer to my life, but all I can say is we have a kind of friendship that many never find and that many do not understand.
October 1st, was the day he told me. He had come to visit me in Ottawa for a week in the summer. It was the first time he said he loved me to my face. The week went better than I had hoped, and I hated that it had to end. I also visited him at his cottage in the Muskoka area a week after he left Ottawa.
The way he looked at me, I could feel it. I could feel that love. It’s one thing to hear someone say I love you, but to feel that love in the way he looks at you, the way he touches you, it’s something totally different. It was almost like when he looked into my eyes, he was really seeing me. Everything. My strengths, my weaknesses, my fears, my beauty, my flaws, and he loved me still.
So, back to October 1st. We talked less and less as the days went by since I left his cottage. It was the day before I left for Edmonton, and I had to know. So, I sent him a text asking if he still loved me. I waited. Waited. Waited.
“I don’t know anymore.”
My heart sank into my stomach. I thought I was going to be sick, but I was just leaving to pick something up from a friends house. So I started to drive, tears streaming down my face. I guess I knew it was bound to happen eventually, but really? He couldn’t have said something earlier?
I arrived at my friends house and she stepped outside. I immediately started crying and went to hug her. She asked what was wrong and invited me in, so I told her everything. “Well, can you cancel the trip?” She asked. I didn’t think that I would be able to since I was leaving the next day however, I called my mom to tell her and she told me that I could cancel the trip with a small fee, but they needed to know within the next few hours.
Maybe he didn’t even want me to come. So I asked. He said he still wanted me to come and that we would still have a great time. So I did. I told my mom that I was still going. When I got to class, my classmates knew something was up. A couple of them gave me a hug which made me feel better, even if it was just momentarily.
October 2nd, after my class that day, I sucked it up and got on that plane. He was still my best friend, and that wasn’t going to change. *No wonder I was so open minded to some stranger on a plane. I was heartbroken and looking for anyone to fill the space in my heart that he did.* However, it was nice to see him again, but it also hurt to see how he looked at me. The same way he had always looked at me, yet he claimed he didn’t know if he loved me anymore. I couldn’t let his lack of feelings affect our friendship because I needed him in my life. I need him in my life.
… I think I’ll always need him in my life.